I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
