She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
