he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
