Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
