she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
