i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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