I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize