i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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