paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
