Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
