You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
