Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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