i would punch a child for taco bell
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She bit a glass in half.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
