this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
