he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
