eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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