We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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