You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
