I'm really into asian looking animals
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
