Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
