Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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