Your tits are I can't wait for
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Randomize
