im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize