Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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