I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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