i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
