I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
