apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
True strength comes from lack of pants
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
