I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Everyone says I win the strip club
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
