I just made out with a guy for $7.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
