On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
