I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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