she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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