Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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