Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
