Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
