You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
