Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
