Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
