I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you didnt know i had herpes?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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