theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
