someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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