All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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