why didn't you poke me back
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
