my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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