I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
