I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We need to get me chipped asap
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
