Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
