I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My bed smells like the plague
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
