TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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