The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
