oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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