my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
