I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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