JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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