i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
