you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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