Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
