dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
where are you?
Hypothermia
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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