he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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