I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
